Why I Hate Zooey Deschanel and Love Anthem Magazine for the Aforementioned

Often, I get this feeling inside of me. It consumes my thoughts, energy, and sometimes even sleep, it's that overwhelming. All I do is think about it, and think about it, and think about it like maybe an hour more. I eat it for breakfast, I have it along with my afternoon scone, I prefer it over my M2M burgers, even, it's that much on my mind.

This feeling is animosity. And for a good four months, this intense hatred was directed at one Miss Zooey Deschanel, indie starlet du jour.

She was all over the magazine covers, with headers like "Why We Adore Zooey Deschanel," or "Zooey Deschanel Will Charm The Pants Off You," or "Zooey Deschanel is Cuter than Knut," or something as equally unduly laudatory. And I studied these pictures, noting the baby doll dresses paired with bows and black tights, her cute little outfits all indie and adorable and quirky.

But for all the dressing up, all I could see was some girl in my sixth grade class whose name I couldn't remember, always mixing her up with that other girl in the class whose name I couldn't remember. I just kept thinking it was Sally or Jennifer. I just couldn't remember.

Which is how I think of Zooey. Her name, I can certainly remember, she's at least got that originality factor down. But as far as the rest of her goes, she just looked so plain to me. Yet, I was supposed to be endeared, "charmed," by this girl?

Reaching oversaturated superstar status is annoying enough. But at least if you get to that level for singing well, or even shaking your ass fast or something, it's an expression of some kind of talent. (ALL MY SINGLE LADIES!!!) For this I would have no reason to hate. But, when there is absolutely no warrant for the hype, then guess who is here to express her deep dissatisfaction with the current proceedings? Me. With more and more attention being attended to Miss Boring 2000, I knew I had to face misguided Zooey lovers around the world.

I started locally--with one Alexander Fu, friend and Deschanel devotee. I told him: "Alex, are you kidding me? Bitch is boring!" or something of the like, and he responded to me yet, "No. She's adorable. You're just a hater." Ok. Then, perhaps I was just a hater. Perhaps I was just missing this adorableness that made Zooey so damn irresistible. If everyone thinks shes so kool, then I'll give her a chance. I decided to read those articles which were supposed to charm my pants off, expecting that it could potentially make up for where her face failed me.

Then, I read Nylon. And my bland-girl theory was all but declared scientific fact. Gems of the article: "It was a fun challenge to try to emulate different people. You really learn how to convey different emotions by using your voice in different ways." Ohhh, is that what acting is, Zooey? And my fave: "Maybe someday I could even make a movie where I do the music and direct it and write it and star in it...like a one-man band!"
No more chances, Zooey. No more. I really tried.

So her face sucks and she's also really dumb. But, I was still alone on this. I surveyed friends about their interest in the girl, thinking of the right time to bring it up for fear I would sound obsessive. I'd start with something else, like "Oh, have you seen Elf. Looove Will Ferrel." (which I do.) Then move into it, like "Hey, so do you like Zooey Deschanel, she's popular these days, huh?" Then, their response which, if a girl "YEAH! She's so cute, I wish I could look that cute." Dude: "She's so cute and hot, I would bang her."
Inside me: "THE FUCK?!!" But, my actual spoken response so as not to relate my actual crazy: "Yeah, she doesn't do it for me." Response to my response: "Ashley, you're a bitch."

So, while explorin' the internets one day, this bitch came across a blog that was her own little personal ray of light. Being a hater is hard, you get a lot of flak for calling out fakes and lame things in general. What little confirmation you get in your haterdom is always helpful to get through the days.

A good man, Scott Indrisek, over at Anthemmagazine posted what was one of the most precise little pieces of hater-prose I've yet the opportunity to read, entitled: "On Zooey Deschanel."

On Zooey Deschanel

Chronicling a fair number of Miss Zoey's insights, my faith was restored in what I knew was fair and just in this world---all things Anti-Zooey. After reading the article and all Deschanel's stupid little saying, it was hard for me to even remember that cute little name.

With this new armor, I sent it in on over to Sir Fu, expecting a surrender on all accounts Zooey.

His white flag response:
"Ha. She's cute."